Compassion in a world out of Balance. Before I start this essay in full, I want to note that not only is today the 17th day of the Omer, but in my counting it is also the 50th day since I have gone into physical isolation in the pandemic. It’s 7 months and 10 days since my last slip, and 14 years, 4 months and 23 days in 12-step.

This is our third “doubling” day, when the Sephira of the day and of the week are the same. So, on these days, because I’m looking at things fractally, I include all the suits. And one thing you will notice in the images of all the cards is, well, a question of Balance.

Balance is one of the characteristics of Tiferet, as it balances and synthesizes the energies of Chesed and Gevurah. And you’ll notice that in some way, balance is an issue in every one of these cards. Waite said one of the themes of the sixes in the tarot deck is unequal relationships, and that’s also something we can see.

I detail all these imbalances in my book, Tarot and the Gates of Light: A Kabbalistic Path to Liberation. So, I am not going to repeat all that information here. Today my goal is simply to consider how these images connect for me and my path today, since each year where I am psycho-spiritually during the count changes. Of course.  

For me the questions that come up are: can I keep my Balance—that is, can I stay on the horse and go fearlessly ahead on this practice of opening my Heart as I do this count publicly? In the 12-step world, I think of a slip as falling off the horse. And what defines sobriety for me is not so much that I slipped, but that I get right back up on the horse. I know that my sobriety is at risk when I can’t balance my love and my boundaries. And right now, I am living with some very hard boundaries. These boundaries are providing health security but they don’t promote heart connection. So like the man on the horse in the Six of Wands, who must be acutely aware of every movement of the animal he rides in order to stay balanced and in the saddle, I must be acutely aware of my animal urges and instincts, so that I can focus them in a spiritual direction and stay in the saddle.  

With the Six of Cups, I ask how to balance the boundaries I put up to stay safe with the courage to leave my heart vulnerable. In the Six of Cups, you may not notice the guard in the left-hand side of the image, leaving the scene. The figures in the garden are behind a barrier, a boundary, but it’s not a wall. It is a permeable fence of cups serving as planters. Can I lower my guard and still feel safe enough for intimate relationship?

In the distance, on the far side of the shore in the Six of Swords, the island and the trees are gray. At least in the deck I use—I know in the Radiant Waite deck the island is green and verdant, but most decks have it as kind of colorless, and I find meaning in that. Because when you start out on this journey, the destination is indistinct. Whether it’s freedom from Egypt or from my spiritual Egypt or from addiction, freedom is a state I am not familiar with. I can’t see it clearly yet. And it doesn’t necessarily look inviting.

That’s because as one who has been enslaved, my thinking still isn’t balanced. I’d like to believe that as I get closer to the far shore, I will have slowly thrown all the swords in the boat overboard. But I know that we always bring the past with us. It’s just a question of our relationship to it.

Last, the Six of Pentacles, with a balance scale in view, a metaphor for the imbalance of the relationships we see between wealth and poverty. And while the wealthy man is sharing with the less fortunate, he seems to be weighing out his gifts—is it with discernment for what they can receive or is it with a kind of miserly attitude of giving the least he can?

Today the inequalities of wealth in our world are on view like never before. Those people who are deemed essential workers are those who are paid the least. More than 20 million people have filed for unemployment. While I am blessed to have a job that keeps me employed, and I can work from home, there are many in my neighborhood who are suffering. Can I find a channel for compassionate giving that won’t feel overwhelming to me? Can I find a way to help balance things in the small way I can and still stay safe? What can I do to support the people and businesses whose services I use that have been interrupted?

This isn’t theoretical. Oddly enough, (or not so oddly when I consider how the universe has a way of doing this) as I was writing this the man who walks my dog sent me a text. It has been 7 weeks since he has walked any of the dogs in this building and I know he is hurting financially. What to do? This is a practical question—because after all, this is, well, a practice. I continue to pay my housekeeper. I may find myself continuing to pay my dog walker. How do I balance my budget and keep my relationships in balance?

How do I find balance in a world out of balance? How do I find compassion for even those who are rebelling against all the restrictions, understanding that they are not used to being alone with their thoughts and that can be very painful?

Anne Frank stayed hiding in an attic for two years to save her life. People have been asked to stay home for the last two months to save their own lives and that of their neighbors. She was able to face her fear and her thoughts and write them into a work that is a treasure for the world. She did not have the distraction of video games, television, internet.

So how do I have compassion for those who are rebelling and directing their pain outward into hatred for the other. I’m still in shock looking at the video of people screaming at nurses who are standing in the street to block the way of people protesting the lockdown. How do I have compassion for those leaders who are exploiting this pain and directing it into hatred?

How can I keep my balance and still express compassion? And when I lose my balance how can I express my compassion for myself that isn’t an excuse to stay off balance? These are some of the questions that I am G!d-wrestling with today. How about you?