לִמְנֹ֣ות יָ֭מֵינוּ כֵּ֣ן הֹודַ֑ע וְ֝נָבִ֗א לְבַ֣ב חָכְמָֽה׃

 “Teach us to count our days that that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
—Psalm 90:12

 Tonight I begin my annual Counting of the Omer, and the first time I’m counting online since the publication of Tarot and the Gates of Light. When I first started counting online using the tarot in 2006, there weren’t as many people following me on my blog, Another Queer Jewish Buddhist. So I have to admit, doing this on a public platform a little scary. This practice calls for rigorous self-examination—and I’m going to do some of that examination in public. But not all of it, since of course, some things are between me and the Divine.

This year, the pandemic gives a new kind of urgency to the count. Because we don’t know how long we have—after all, our days are numbered, whether we get COVID-19 or not—we have to learn to make every day count. And that’s part of the benefit of this practice. Of course, counting days is not new to anyone in a 12-step program, and as someone in recovery, I know that this practice has been an aid to my recovery.

The first card, on this the first day, is the Four of Wands, since it is a Chesed card, and today si Chesed of Chesed. The image looks forward to the final day on Pentecost, when mythically speaking, the Divine “marries” the people Israel, with the Torah as the wedding contract. The image on the card most resembles a chuppah, the wedding canopy for traditional Jewish marriage ceremonies. And it is also reminiscent of Abraham’s tent, which midrash tells us was open on all sides, the better to be able to greet guests. Abraham is the figure most associated with Chesed, which is love, flow, benevolence without limit.

At this time, when all of us are hunkered down at home, our doors closed to the outside world, one question I will reflect on is how has the pandemic affected my ability to stay open? Since this is the first day of freedom from Egypt, metaphorically speaking, in what ways am I still carrying my enslavement within?

I am aware when I am on the street of not feeling particularly open as I walk my dog, masked and gloved, and I’m passed by joggers huffing and puffing who aren’t wearing masks. My heart is certainly not open to them, and I find myself still enslaved to fear and anger. May I learn to respond with equanimity even as I keep my distance. I know I didn’t feel very open last week at a grocery store when other shoppers crowded close by. While it’s essential that I take care of myself, I have to remember that these other people are suffering through this as best they know how.

I mention in my book that the Four of Swords is a card of meditation, and just as the Four of Wands looks forward to the Divine marriage (of our inner Divine Feminine and Masculine) on Pentecost, the Four of Swords looks forward to the Night Vigil that takes place on the eve of Pentecost (known as Shavuot in the original Hebrew). The night before Pentecost, traditionally we stay away all night in study, just as the squire in the card image must remain awake all night in the chapel as part of his ritual initiation into knighthood.

At the start of this year when I gave myself my annual Tree of Life reading, the Four of Swords appeared in the Yesod position. Yesod is the Sephira of intimate connection and that includes sexual connection, among other things. The Four of Swords is a card of the spiritual retreat. I took this Sephirotic combination as a suggestion to pull back from searching for sexual connection on apps like Grindr as part of creating a deeper intimacy with myself and with the Divine. This decision may have saved my life, though there is no question that I long for touch, for the soul connection that can come with physical connection. I am sure many people who are single and living alone at this moment in history have similar longings.

However, staying inside during the pandemic is an opportunity to go inside, to search deep within to face my fears of loneliness and isolation.

Last I want to touch on the Four of Pentacles for a moment. Like all the cards, the image as a symbol can be read positively or negatively. So that one can see the man in the card as an expression of the flow of Chesed in the world, holding up the pentacles as a signal to others to stay connected to the Divine (his Crown at the Keter position—he is the only figure in the Minor Arcana that isn’t a court card to wear a crown) to stay connected to the heart (with a pentacle over the Tiferet position) and pentacles below his feet (connecting him to Netzach and Hot) so that he his spirituality will stay grounded in the world. But one can also see him as holding on to these objects tightly, as someone who is stopping the flow of Chesed because he is closed down. So some of the questions that come up for me this year are: Who do I look to for inspiration in Chesed? Who is an example of Nega-Chesed—someone who stops the flow for their own benefit, so they can hold on to the gold? And internally, how can I set a better example of Chesed for others? And where am I still holding on tightly, unable to let go into the flow of life, and of Chesed?

You may have notices I didn’t mention the suit of Cups. Well, I’m holding on a little tightly here! While each year is different and the content in my book is longer than what I am writing here, and goes deeper, I do hope to have an income from book sales. So I don’t want to “give it all away” even as Chesed is all about unconditional love. I do write about each of the Sephirot in great detail in the book so that you’ll be able to experience the full constellation of meanings suggested by each card. But here, while I am sharing this publicly, I am concentrating on the questions that come up for me personally this year.

So what are the questions that Chesed within Chesed bring up for you?